I gained 37 lbs in 4 months. I had to release so many expectations I have on myself to be able to do that. As a personal trainer & proud gym owner I have crazy high expectations of myself. I’m supposed to be perfect, and the best at everything. I don’t want my clients to see me struggle, God forbid they might think I’m human.
To gain all that weight I had to go to a very dark and isolating place. I had no energy to give & to receive. I said no to anything social, I hid and ate in isolation. I ate cheap food in the car on my way to endless meetings. I avoided friends and family. I felt like a zombie. I was less confident and did not feel comfortable in my own skin. I had no energy to get my work done, no focus, and no joy.
I did this experiment to understand what my clients go through. I wanted to understand what it’s really like to be stuck in a rut, to know what you’re supposed to do, but to have no idea how to take the steps needed to get out.
I wanted to understand what it feels like for you to be killing it in the gym, to only find that you gained a half a pound this week. To experience the struggle of adding in hours of exercise to an already crazy schedule.
I want to feel the feelings of self-doubt and disappointment when expectations are not met. To assume my scale is out to get me- how is it possible to exercise 3 hours a day, eat a clean diet, and gain a half a pound in a week!? I now know what it feels like to run around the block and feel your heart beating out of your eyeballs. To the point that a 5 minute run = dry heaving & your legs buckling under your weight. To visualize the show you’re putting on for the person running behind you as your giant ass bounces everywhere and seeks freedom outside of your shorts. To have an entire wardrobe full of clothes that I can’t fit into.
I’ve been back on the health wagon for 5 weeks now. I’m still 25 lbs heavier than I was. I still can’t do many things I used to be able to. It’s a struggle to keep up with my personal training clients and my classes. My hiking partners still have to do lunges up the mountain so I can keep up. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, or where I expected to be. It’s so much more difficult than I expected! Maintaining a 6 pack is a breeze compared to this. I have to eat twice as good and train twice as hard… and I still have a fat ass… it just jiggles a little less now.
<3 Carrie, the human non-robot.